


Sola Gratia

by nostalgia



Series: By Faith Alone [2]
Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Aftermath, Dubious Consent, F/M, Flashbacks, Gen, of dubcon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-10
Updated: 2014-07-10
Packaged: 2018-02-08 05:41:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,327
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1928742
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nostalgia/pseuds/nostalgia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sequel to By Faith Alone; what happens after Aliens Make Them Do It.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sola Gratia

Donna stomped wetly into the TARDIS. "So much for a nice holiday in the sun."

"Sorry," said the Doctor, following her in and taking off his sodden coat. "It was just a bit of rain."

"It was monsoon season!" 

"We have a time-machine," he said, approaching the console, "we can just skip forward a few months."

"Don't bother," said Donna, heading off to the interior door. 

The Doctor watched her go and mentally kicked himself. Donna hadn't been very forgiving since the... incident, and he couldn't really blame her. 

She'd said she trusted him with her life. Maybe she had, at the time, maybe she hadn't yet realised how little she really knew about him. 

Most of the touching had stopped, and when circumstances demanded contact she flinched. He would reach for her hand and she'd pull it away seemingly without even realising she was doing it. He wanted so desperately to hug her again, to touch her hair, to brush against her in a corridor, anything. Even a slap would be welcome. 

She hadn't said anything about going home, but it seemed like a matter of time. Oh, they were still having fun, as long as he didn't mess things up as he so often did. Something as stupid as rain could put a wedge between them.

Usually he just let things happen. Events would find a way to bring problems to the surface and heal them, talking to people was a strategy he could avoid. The past few years he'd just let things go on until something snapped and the balance was restored or someone left. He didn't want her to leave, obviously, he never wanted them to leave. He knew it could never last forever, but he clung to them as hard as he could before their time together came to an end. 

He didn't know if he could fix this, but he did know that he'd have to talk to her, find out what she was thinking and find a way to reassure her. Oh, he could talk and talk and talk without saying anything, but that wasn't going to work this time. He was in unfamiliar territory and he'd lost his map years ago. 

 

 

He found her in the kitchen pouring hot water from the kettle. 

"Ooh, tea? Can I have some?"

Donna half-turned and smiled at him. "Course you can. The usual? Milk and sixty-two sugars?"

"Just the three, thanks." He sat down at the kitchen table (one leg a bit wobbly) and smiled at her back. At least she wasn't bearing a grudge over the unfortunate monsoon incident. 

"I wonder what you'd be like without sugar," she said, lifting the mugs of tea and walking over to the table. 

"Less sweet," he quipped. He took his tea from Donna, fingers brushing against hers as it changed hands. Donna let go and took a step back, almost spilling the tea before the Doctor got a grip on the handle of the mug. 

"This is ridiculous," he said, swapping hands and licking a drop of tea from his thumb. 

"What's ridiculous?"

"This. Us. I'm walking on eggshells and now even tea isn't safe." 

"I don't know what you're on about," said Donna, the lie obvious in her voice. 

He put his tea down on the table. "Can I hug you?"

Donna was silent for a moment, then said "No."

"See? We never used to be this awkward." He fought down the feeling that he was retconning things in his head again, building up how she'd felt about him before all this happened. He could live with that, though, that she didn't feel the way he wanted her to. He loved his companions, but they didn't always love him.

"Maybe I just don't like you pawing at me all the time. You don't me, I'm not your teddy-bear."

"It's about what happened on Satris," he said, statement rather than question. 

Donna just looked at him like he was an idiot. "Of course it is."

"I said I could make you forget, that offer still stands."

"So you'd remember it and I wouldn't? Do have any idea how creepy that sounds? What else have you made me forget? How many times has this happened?" There was a note of panic in her voice. 

"I've never taken anything from you, I promise."

"How would I know if you had?"

"You wouldn't."

"Exactly."

He rubbed a hand over his eyes. "Donna, you have to trust me."

"I do."

"But not on important things, not on whether I'd steal your memories while you were asleep."

"I used to."

"I know you did."

"And I want to again. Just... give me some time."

He sat back and spread his arms wide. "All the time in the universe."

"How long's that?"

"Long enough."

 

 

"Sweetie, stop."

The Doctor stopped moving and let her push him off her. "What's wrong? Did I hurt you?"

"No, it's... you were light-years away."

"Sorry," he said, running a hand through his hair, "it's just... this thing with Donna." He moved onto his side to face her. 

"Which thing?"

The Doctor frowned. "How many things are there? It's... did I ever tell you about Satris?"

"Oh." River sat up. "Has that just happened for you?"

"Tell me how to fix it," he said, with little-boy eyes. 

"You know I can't tell you."

"Then give me a hint. Anything. Please?"

"On our first date you brought a toothbrush and a oair of handcuffs."

He frowned. "Is this relevant or are you trying to change the subject?"

"Listen. We had a wonderful time, but the next day I kept thinking 'Could I have said no?'"

"Of course you could. Time isn't..."

"I know. But I didn't know that then. And I didn't know you hadn't changed my history to make me want to sleep with you."

"I'd never do that." He was hurt that she'd even think it. 

"I know that _now_. But at the time I had to trust a man I barely knew."

"Donna knows me enough to trust me."

"Who chose the destination?"

"She knows I wouldn't do that."

"Does she? What about Reinette? You didn't mean to, but you made her love you by appearing in her past. How can we know that was the only time?"

He took her hand. "River, I did not go back in time to make you have sex with me."

She pulled her hand away, gently. "It's not me you have to worry about." She moved her hand up to stroke his hair. "What about you?"

"What about me?"

"You were in that mood where you have sex silently and pretend to enjoy it and then disappear immediately afterwards."

Sometimes it disturbed him that she knew so much about him. "I wasn't going to -"

"Don't," she said, "lie to me. Tease, joke, exaggerate, but don't lie."

"Sorry."

River shifted closer and put an arm over his chest. "It wasn't fun for you either."

"I've been through worse."

"So?"

"So what I feel isn't as important as how Donna feels. I'm a Time Lord, she's a Human."

"Does she know how it felt for you?"

The thought about this. "No. She's got her own problems, she doesn't need mine as well."

"A problem shared -"

"Is a problem two people have."

"But it's the same problem," insisted River. 

Time to change the subject. "Do you want to try again?" He gestured between them. 

"It won't heal you," she said. 

"I know that." He sighed. "I just need someone to trust me."

"Then yes."

 

 

"It's a good thing you arrived when you did, this is the last room."

The Doctor and Donna followed the old inn-keeper up the stairs, trying not to stumble in the weak light from the lantern. 

The old man paused on the stairs. "You _are_ married, aren't you? I don't want any funny business from people pretending to be married."

"Course we are," said Donna. "How long's it been now, darling?"

"Oh, ages," said the Doctor. "Probably got an anniversary coming up."

"Any children?" asked the inn-keeper.

"Yes."

"No."

"Nearly," the Doctor improvised. "We're bound to get it right eventually."

The old man leaned over and whispered in the Doctor's ear as they arrived at the top of the stairs.

The Doctor blushed. "Yes. Well. I'll give that a go."

"You do that. Wouldn't be the first time a young couple didn't know how to... well, there's a lady present, I shouldn't say."

The Doctor started to put an arm around his new wife, but Donna moved away just enough to tell him not to. 

"I'm very tired," she said, with a fake yawn. 

"All in your own time, then," said the old man with a slight leer. 

The Doctor took the key and watched the inn-keeper head back down the stairs. Donna waited by the door and headed in without a word when he opened it. 

"You can have the floor," said Donna, kicking off her shoes. 

"It's a double bed!" he protested. 

"And?"

"And we've slept in the same bed plenty of times before."

"Yeah," said Donna, "before."

The Doctor started to protest but then nodded. "Yeah, I'll sleep on the floor. Good for the spine, probably."

Yeah, avoiding the subject again. That wasn't going to work. 

The Doctor breathed deeply and messed up his own hair. "Donna, we need to talk about this."

"You? Talk about something that actually matters?"

"I don't want you to leave," he said, surprised by his own honesty.

"I don't want to leave," she said, quietly. 

"Then don't. We can get past this, we're... we're us."

"I don't..."

"You don't trust me."

"I do! But at the same time... I can't. You took us to that planet, you didn't think of a way to get us out of having to... do what we did."

"I tried, you know I tried."

"Every other time we've got away, except the one time my 'virginity' was at stake."

He stared at her. "Do you think I _wanted_ that to happen?"

"How should I know? You're an alien, I'm never going to understand you. And, well, you're a man. I know what men are like. You don't care as long as you get your end away."

He was insulted, but saying that wasn't going to help anything. "I'm not like that," he said. 

"And I used to believe that. I still do, mostly. Just... I can't not wonder."

"I hated it, I hated every minute of it."

"You came," she said, playing what was apparently her trump card.

"That doesn't mean I enjoyed it!"

"Prove it."

He stared at her."What? How?"

"Do that Time Lord mind-meld thing, show me what it was like for you."

"I can't. I'm not going to put you through that again."

Donna drew herself up to her full height. "I can take it. It can't be any worse than what I felt when it happened."

"It would be like being back there. I'm not... no."

"What are you scared of?" she asked, voice rising in volume. 

"Of hurting you, what do you think I'm scared of?"

"I want to see. I want to know what you felt." She stepped closer to him. "I have to."

He wavered. "Do you really think it'll help?"

"Can't exactly make things worse, can it?"

"Donna..."

"Show me," she said, moving to stand right in front of him, chin lifted slightly and her eyes determined.

Reluctantly, he placed his fingers on the sides of her face and closed his eyes. 

_He holds himself over Donna, wishing they were somewhere else. This is the only way to save her but he doesn't even know if he can do it._

_But he will._

_He is as careful as possible, terrified of hurting her. Things he has wanted are coloured in shame; the feel of her thighs around him, the movement of her breasts with each mechanical thrust._

_When his body shudders into an unwanted orgasm he is hit by a wave of guilt and the rising horror of what has just happened._

_He never wanted it to happen, not like this. He hates everyone on this planet, can feel the Storm swirling inside him, desperate to get out. He holds it back for Donna, his friend, his..._

He took his hands away and opened his eyes to look at Donna. Carefully he reached out again to wipe a tear from the corner of her eye. "I'm sorry," he whispered.

Donna opened her eyes, blinking back moisture. "You didn't want to do it. Of course you didn't."

"Do you trust me again?"

She was silent for a few moments. Finally, when his hearts were about to burst, she said "Yes."

They stood in silence for a few moments, as if neither one wanted to upset the delicate balance of the moment. After what felt like forever, Donna reached out and put her arms around him. He let his body respond and there they stood, just hugging like it was the most important thing in the universe. And it was, to him. 

Finally she stepped away and moved towards the bed."You'll get filthy sleeping on that floor. You can have that side of the bed."

He grinned like an idiot and kicked his shoes off quickly. "I'll try not to snore."

"I'll push you onto your side if you do," she said, casually, as she climbed into her side of the bed. 

He managed to stop smiling and got into the bed, careful not to brush against her by accident. Things weren't entirely fixed yet, he didn't want to ruin what they'd achieved. He reached round to put a pillow between them. 

"Don't bother," yawned Donna. "I know you won't try anything."

"What if we move in the night?"

"Just make sure you're not groping me when I wake up, otherwise I'll have to slap you."

He smiled at that. "Night, Donna."

"Night, Doctor."


End file.
